As the month of February (the love month) winds down, an article I wrote in 2006 for a BBC valentine day programme come to mind. The discussants then were trying to explain what love really means. As the programme was concluding, listeners were encouraged to put down their thoughts about the meaning of love and send in via email. After some thought, I knocked out what I have below on my laptop and sent in. It turned out to be the pick of the week. I think my mum still has the prize that came with it. Read and see if it fits your bill ...
What
do we mean when we say we love? In other words, when I tell someone 'I love you',
what do I mean? Love is a complex experience and sometimes is difficult to
explain but let me give it a shot as briefly as I can.
I
have heard people talk about love, I have experienced it and have equally read
quite some literature on it and have come up with a two-fold categorization of
the love experience. One is the ‘In love experience’. This is what happens to
us at the beginning of most relationships. Here we see and feel the sparks, we
live in floatation and believe, repeat, believe all is perfect; we are blind to
faults. We go to any extent to impress our ‘lover’. In summary, it is broadly
characterized by a general lack of discipline, rationality and choice. There is
only a thin line between this experience and obsession/infatuation. Much more
critical is that since we do not see faults or a lack when ‘in love’, we
readily prefer the status quo. Thus, there is no encouragement for growth. Why
change a winning team as they say? This may last between a month and a year and
after that, it is either we move to the second experience or we move out of the
relationship.
The
second is the ‘Love experience’, a.k.a ‘love with your feet on the ground’.
This is broadly characterized by Consciousness, Rationality, Volition and Will.
It is conscious because you are well aware of what you are doing. Rational
because each action is decided and you take it either because it is worth it or
for the well being of the one you love. It is volitional because it is by
choice and you will it to succeed. I call it love with your feet on the ground
because there is no pretence. We see faults; we see where there is a lack. The
interesting thing here is that we are only able to see these after the ‘in love
experience’, when what we call love will be put to test. If there is no love,
we become very unhappy, restless, frustrated and opt out. If there is love, we
encourage the one we love not to change, but to make adjustments because people
do not change; they make adjustments for a reason; we try to complement our
partner in order to make up for the lack. Here, our words become encouraging,
kind and humble. This is where
consciousness, rationality, volition and will, come in.
In
as much as the ‘In love experience’ is not bad, ‘I love you’ here is feeble at
best and will only crumble like a pack of cards. Thus it is better not said until
we move to the next phase; if we are able to do so with the person in question.
This is because when we say I love you, it should literally mean ‘am of sound
reasoning, aware of what I am doing, I have chosen to love you and will work at
it every day of my life’. But, do not delude yourself, it is not easy and will
definitely need working at. But again, the good news is that you will succeed
if you work at it. With this realization and because love needs working at, I
will spare no effort in speaking any of the love languages as enumerated by Dr.
Chapman (Words of affirmation, Quality time, Giving gifts, Acts of service and
Physical touch) in as many dialects as I can come up with because, in spite of
the other nice (sexy, rich, cute, etc) people around, you choose, without
compulsion, to make that one person your prince or princess.
This
is what ‘I LOVE YOU’ should mean. This is what it means.
Hope
I made sense. Have fun y’all and march easy into the month of March.
Am so impressed.
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