IN
general, when experts talk about fine-turning a relationship, they suggest ways
both partners can compromise and adjust. Not so with the older man/younger girl
pairing. “In testing the waters of male-female love, the girl has to splash—and
pay attention to her own strokes,” says Janice, a seasoned relationship expert.
“She needs to be childish at times, to fret, to go beyond the bounds of
conventional behaviour to act on impulse, and sometimes to enslave herself to
the loved one. It is therefore up to the man to measure whether he is the right
person to chase and hold her.
“The older man should first
of all have lots of time. She expects demands that the relationship take first
priority every day, every week. He may be flying to the end of the world next
morning, but if she needs to talk about their love all the night before, listen
he must! He should also have a physique that’s in good shape, and be secure in
his sex appeal. Today’s teen is lean and mean! Chances are she jogs, and does
aerobics. So if he’s not athletic, he should add a new dimension to his
life—buy jogging shoes and a new tennis racquet! Otherwise, he’ll find himself
sitting on the sideline.
The older man must also be at a stable point in his
life. Changing careers or going through a divorce are terrible times to form
this type of relationship. The man who is rooted in a good career and makes a
good salary will be able to handle the young girl and offer her more of what
she expects from him. Since a teenager requires lots of attention, and will
eventually rock the boat, the rest of her lover’s life should have its own
momentum; after all, part of the appeal is that—he has arrived and he’s in
control! A chivalrous man who likes to protect a woman will find much to
protect in his teeny-bopper!
Shortly after his wife left him for her new office
boss, Eddy, 42, met Sussie, a beautiful, wild singer at a night club. “In spite
of the fact that I found her electrifying,” said Eddy, “she was also neurotic.
She’d had a few crisis with management of the club she sings at, but I was
always there to support her because I realized her maturity was still evolving.
Soon she will be matured to handle these problems on her own. Meanwhile, her
every mood fascinates me.
The commitment between us is beyond what I ever would
have had with an age equal. It’s best that a man be sensitive to what real
feelings lie beneath her words, and not overreact to negativism on her part.
Sussie doesn’t know yet how to weigh her words. She strikes out critically at
me, something I wouldn’t forget or forgive with a woman nearer my age. I
indulge her. I ‘hate you’, may mean she feels neglected—or she’s been watching
a lot of home movies and identified so strongly with their characters that she
carries the melodrama right over to life!”
The generation of today’s teenagers
is more casual about sex, and it’s a double edge sword. Her older lover is
unavailable but her fellow youth copper is, and she sleeps with him, cozily and
unromantically. Better if her older lover is not the jealous type, otherwise he
has to be constantly available to meet her desire.
”Most good relationships are
between equals,” explained the relationship expert. “When he’s a lot older than
she, the danger is that they are not providing inputs at the same level. This
creates an underlying tension. When conflict arises, they perceive it as
enormously hostile. I know a college professor, 49 who waited until the woman
he loved, now 28, finished her B.A. before marrying her. He wanted a real wife
and marriage. It started out as a honeymoon, but now he says he’s stuck with a
teeny-bopper.
She feels she’s trapped with a has-been…. This couple has big
problems finding common interests. She loves pop music, he likes classical….
She is hooked on fast foods, he enjoys home-made meals. At first differences in
tastes seem trivial, but in a marriage they are very important. I see success
for an older man/girl relationship only if both people can change and grow
together”
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